SIMPLE YET ELEGANT


This single stem of floral beauty greeted me as I stepped into my room at the Buckleigh Guest House in Durban. It held meaning for me..single and beautiful just the way I feel about life!

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

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Amazed


Today marks the end of our time. You left me in body a year ago but I held on to everything that represented ‘Mikhail’. It’s time to release you. 

There’s so much I want to say. Afraid I may forget important facts. The heart is sincere but the mind is weak right now. I was terrified of closing my eyes last night because it was going to lead me to this day. The one where I knew I had to salute your memory and let you go. Well it happened. That day came and I feel lost without you.

Had a chat with Xavier and Xerxes this morning. My brave X-MEN.

“Why are you crying Mum? That won’t Dad back. Just know he is safe in Jannah.” My little one says the wisest things and yet he never shed a tear to this day. With the innocence of his youth he simply carries on and makes the most of everyday. How I wish I had his strength!

Mikhail loved Lonestar’s Amazed . Said it reminded him of me and that is how I will remember him. Simple yet amazing. He didn’t expect much from life – all he needed was love from ‘the one’, the ability to practice medicine and a son to continue with the Walker heritage. Two sons and a damn good paediatrican. He got two out of the three.

To help me heal and continue on this new journey I will write a letter to him and post it in my heart. I know it will reach him.

My Sweet Heaven’s Angel, Mikhail

I’ve often heard that if you wish with all your heart then it will come true. There was just one wish I wanted today. To feel your arms around me, hear the comfort in your voice or simply a moment in time with you. God didn’t grant that to me.

It made me understand and accept that you are at peace. There is no more pain, suffering and rejection. I will no longer pine for the things that can never be. You are now free and I celebrate your life. Today I will dry my tears and give thanks for all that we shared.

You were a beautiful and kind man. Someone who enriched my life with the gifts of courage, wisdom and sacrifice. Through you I learned about love, how to believe in my dreams and explore the horizons. Thank you for the letters you wrote to me over the years.

I DID love you. I just couldn’t say the words because I knew it was going to hurt me one day. One day when we could not be together anymore. Like today. Yes it was selfish but you knew me better than anyone. You must have sensed my fears Imagebut understood what I couldn’t say in words I felt in my heart.

I don’t know what the future brings. Too scared to think ahead right now. Wherever life takes me I will take the lessons you taught me along our journey. Please look down on us as we navigate the long and rocky roads.

I wish you peace, joy, happiness and above all I wish you eternal love. Thank you for sharing your life with me and making me the person I am today.

I love you always and forever

Zaheera

Today marks the close of the final chapter this past year since Mikhail left my world. It brings to an end the fear of the unknown and the changes I had to embrace.

Tomorrow is the dawn of all things different. To those who followed my blog thank you for being part of my odyssey. Feel free to keep in touch.

Love and light

Zaheera

 

Realising my dreams


THE END! Wrote the final words in my manuscript last night. Too shocked to cry, too happy to pack it away.

‘Well done Mum. I’m proud of you. Always knew you were going to do it.’ My son’s words. My Xavier. Trying to keep my focus through all the tears right now. Not easy I tell ya. Asked his advice about someone the other.

Mum: I have this friend I really like but he’s acting all strange. What should I do?

Xavier: Hard for me to answer that because everyone likes me.

Mum: But just think about it. How would you handle it if you were in that situation. Help me here, how will you solve it?

Xavier: Mmm. Well I’ll leave it for a while. Give him time to think things through. Then call him.

Mum: And if he doesn’t answer my calls or ignores my messages?

Xavier: Then I don’t think he is worth having in your life. Let it go. You deserve better.

Advice to melt my heart. He has his father’s mannerisms and wisdom. A true Walker.

Back to the manuscript. My answer came after I hit the ‘save’ button. During December 2011 (our last summer as a family) my beautiful Mikhail helped me with research. I can still remember him lying on the bed with a smirk painted across his face: ‘Are you going to share the profits with me when the book is published?’. Four months later he was gone.

I thought about him last night. Was he looking down on me? I can picture him telling his angel buddies…’See that woman over there. My. TRUE. LOVE. Finally she put her heart to it. Written her novel and inviting me to be a part of it.’

Such was his nature. Giving me the freedom to explore the horizons. Setting me free to find my true purpose. What a man! What an amazing man!

Now I turn to my angels for direction. What happens next? I don’t want to rush anything. A masterpiece takes time. However for all the support I am dedicating this title to the memory of my late husband, Mikhail Walker.

Monday, 29 April 2013. 9.55am will be a year. I will post my last blog on this day. To all those who followed me along the journey THANK YOU!

embracingthechanges


Mikhail was a miracle. He breezed into my pained life and healed my broken world. A former Catholic, he embraced Islam and we married in 2000. This was no match made in heaven…he loved me while I had to understand what love was meant to be, he smoothed the bumps in my life and I chiselled hurt in his. I hurt him for 12 years on the front but I loved him deeply..I just couldn’t say the words to him. How I regret that!

Today he is no longer with me. Perhaps he is watching me from heaven’s gates, maybe flying above me like a bird…wherever he is I hope he is not in pain anymore. I hope he is at peace. I pray that he finds the love I could never give him.

Thank you Mikhail, thank you for enriching my life, for teaching me the lessons I needed to learn. I love you today and forever…

The night the rains came


The plan is to be brave tomorrow but I know there will be an emotional meltdown. Forgive me for my weakness.

Mikhail was nervous and excited the first time we met for coffee at Circus Circus (‘our joint’) in Musgrave. He wrote me a letter the night before (forget about email…he was a hopeless romantic). The opening lines quoted Corinthians 13:4 ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy….’ That was the first of many letters and I saved each one. Someday I will share it with everyone. Someday when the heart is a bit stronger.

I am consumed by guilt tonight. All the years I brushed off his kisses and hugs because I had a newspaper deadline to meet, an interview, a launch …he’ll always be around so too will the affections right? WRONG!  

He’d been ill for a while but I was always rushing out the door to beat the traffic. I failed to notice the pain etched on his face and then it all happened overnight. He lost the strength and courage to hide things anymore.

On the eve of his death the rains came. There was angry thunder and blue flashes too. I remember it like yesterday, I remember it because I was alone in the visitors’ lounge. A little before midnight. Thinking. Praying.

Mikhail’s elder sister Susan came through to be with me. How did we get through that night? Leaving the hospital at 3am feeling numb and confused.

Christine sent me an email a few minutes ago. Mikhail and her were born nine months apart. I never met her because she returned to England before we married.

‘Hi Zaheera

I know this must be a very difficult time of the year for you and the boys. Not a day goes past that I don’t think of my brother, and you are always in my prayers.

I hope you are well.

Love and best wishes

Chris’

Thanks to the wonders of the Blackberry I hit the reply button and the words appeared blurry – damn those tears!

Tomorrow will be my last entry. It has to be. This blog was a platform to chronicle the changes I had to embrace since death came.

Before I close this chapter I want to thank a few people I took forgranted.

Susan, George, the girls – especially the late Patricia, my late mum-in-law, Christine, the boys and Aunty Rita. I robbed you of memories and so much more. I can’t change anything or take you back in time. Thank you for your patience, love and support. I am sorry for the way things turned out. Please forgive me.